Wednesday, August 19th
When I woke
up this morning, I was dreading today. The three-hour drive combined with
move-in, and finally some lame freshman orientation thing this place called “Sweat
Lodge” just did not seem like it had the makings for a good time. I mean, I’ve
been to a couple of freshman orientations already. Don’t they count for
something? Turns out that I was wrong.
I was right
that the drive sucked (too long). Plus, move-in sucked. It didn’t take that long
as Dad made me leave a LOT of stuff at home. Important stuff like my gaming
laptop, my movie collection, and anything he called “a distraction”. I mean, I
understand where he’s coming from, but jeez. I’m an adult. I can handle it.
Sort of.
Anyway,
near the end of my moving in, I met my roommate, Jason. Jason’s a great guy. He’s
really smart and he didn’t tell me to “fuck off” with the first hour. We’re
going to be the best of friends!
Once we got
settled in, and got an idea of where we were supposed to go, we head over for
the “Sweat Lodge”. I was expecting this to be some mind-numbingly boring thing,
and the first part of it was. Droning on and on, some old fart sang us a bad
fight song, and I was sure that I would not leave there with my sanity intact. Turns
out, I almost didn’t leave with my life! It was great!
Once the
droning ceased, we were all directed to rooms in small groups where we to get a
“sage advice” from a senior here. Ours was some cool dude named Robby. Well, he
started out cool, but then turned lame once he offered up his “advice”. Of all
the things he could have told us, what was the one thing he stressed most? “Be
a zebra”. I shit you not. Be a fucking zebra. Really? Five years of this place
and that’s the best you got? We’re fucked.
Speaking of
we, I suppose I should talk about the other freshman in the room. First, there’s
Jason, my roommate. Like I said before, he’s a great guy. He’s gotta work on
his cardio, though. Next is Tommy. Tommy’s a dick! At first he seemed cool,
acting like my friend and handing out advice on how to get girls. His advice
sucks and he sucks, too! Next there’s Dylan. He’s here on a football
scholarship or some such. He’s okay. Can’t fight worth a damn though. The one
girl in the group is some chick named Mina. She’s hot. She’s also a soul crushing
harpy. I’ll probably hang around her because, well, she’s hot. And boobs. Can’t
forget boobs. Lastly are two are other guys named David and Stevie. David’s
kind of squirrely, but he’s pre-med, and knows a bit about first aid, which is
good because this group is going to need it! Stevie is a pretty basic dude.
ROTC cadet. Kind of has a jarhead army mentality (be a zebra, anyone?), but he’s
cool, and nice. Stevie’s also the only one who seemed to care after Mina shot
me down hard while using Tommy’s shitty advice. If I haven’t said it already,
Tommy’s a dick!
Going back
to the rest of the night, after the useless be a
sheep-goat-mongoose-zebra-whothefuckcares piece of wisdom got handed to us, we
heard noises from back upstairs that the band they had brought in started
playing. They were okay for a local act. The university also sprung for free
pizza from a local place called the “Pizza Barn”. Yeah, I don’t know what you
folks were thinking there. I cook my pizza in an oven. Most barns don’t have
ovens, last I checked. Business name fail.
So I’m drowning
my sorrow in some diluted rat piss they call punch and chewing on my third
piece of sauced cardboard from this place when weird things start happening.
First, some of the security guards got sick. REALLY SICK. Like, head for the
toilet and don’t leave for three days type sick. Must’ve had the pizza. It was
around now that Jason or Stevie, I’m not sure which, noticed that someone had
painted on the walls with red paint. The folks in charge blamed it on senior
pranks, and never seemed to care about it, taking it all in stride like this
happens every year. Then my man, David, catches the eye of some other hot chick
and takes off with her. SCORE! That’s when I tried to get to know Mina a little
better only to find out that Tommy is not my friend and that I’m not sure I
want to get to know Mina any better.
So I’m
sulking in the bathroom, and it turns out that David’s hot girl was a REALLY
hot girl and tried to set him on fire. He said something about a ghost, but I
wasn’t paying much attention. That was right about the time the red paint
started setting the gym on fire. Everyone freaked out about that like they had
never been in a fire before. It’s a big concrete building, we have time…
besides, I noticed a bunch of fire extinguishers in another room downstairs. I
was about to go get them when some dickhead security guy showed up and tazed
me. Prick.
I laid
there for a bit, trying to get my head around me, when the others notice and
get David. The pre-med thing is going to work out for him. Really. He gets me
up on my feet and I’m stumbling around for a bit gathering my wits and trying to figure out what to do as all
the other sheeple are freaking out over the fire that’s happening. I stumble
downstairs to find Dylan and David fighting with the same dick security tool
that tazed me earlier. Fucking zap me and attack my friends? I don’t think so
Hillbilly Bob! I ran over there and clock the guy a good one, and this jackass
goes and hits me again with the tazer. Son of a bitch! So after some more
twitching, I get up with more help from David, and find my main man, Jason,
just pepper spraying the hell out of that fool. Yeah! Take that, Rent-A-Flop!!!
Then some other
stuff happened that you’re just going to say was a side effect of the meds,
Dr.Grafmeyer, so we’ll leave it at that. Oh yeah… We put out the damn fire. And
I **TOTALLY** kicked that guy’s ass!!!
Best. Day. Ever.
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