Friday, September 09, 2016

Depression and the Evil Spiral...

Don't let the shot fool you. The sweater is jet black. It just looks like a really badass charcoal gray due to lighting.
I would **TOTALLY** buy a sweater in this color, though... Just for those of you keeping score at home. =P
I had a good conversation with a friend of mine about his ongoing battle against clinical depression. As we spoke, the talk had me thinking about my mind set over the last couple of years. Looking back, I have very little doubt that I have been coping with a MASSIVE fit of depression myself for the last 3+ years. Since I am also a person with minor (untreated) bi-polar syndrome, this depression would occasionally get punctuated with a spike of manic that would last for a day or two, but then I would sink back into my malaise.

Consequently, the longer things went on, the more depressed I began to feel, but it was so slow in onset that I literally did not noticed that it had happened until earlier this year. It was, in a word, insidious. It is only with the clarity that "distance" provides that I am beginning to understand just how f****d up I was.

  • My weight had a lot to do with it, but even that was just a result of my not wanting to do anything meaningful. The less I did, the more weight I gained, and the more weight I gained, the less I wanted to do anything at all. I am just now pulling out of this in a number of areas, but some damage has been done (health-wise) that will take a fair amount of time to fix.
  • My realtionship with Mrs. Gopher, which has been rockier than we ever let on in the last couple of years, is showing signs of improvement because I am putting effort back into it. Part of our issue wasn't that I didn't care about my marriage, but instead it was my not realizing that I was NOT actively caring that did most of the damage. I was distant, lost, and pretty much unapproachable, and I had NO idea I had become that way.
  • The store, which had slid into being sort of a dingy clubhouse, is now getting more of my attention once again, and things are slowly coming back from that. The main reason with us changing the hours back to opening at 11AM after two and a half years of opening at 3PM was to force me to be in the store more than I had been. As tired as I am, it is helping both the store and myself.
  • My gaming life? That's still being worked on, but I am taking steps to address that as well.

Plans are in place to take my life back... =)

Another friend asked me if I felt my current upswing is just another manic hiccup and if I will, after a brief period, slide back into my long-term funk. Honestly, I'm not sure, but if I believe it to be, then my depression has already won the battle again. However, another part of me is saying "screw that noise". Now that I've opened my eyes to my own (in-)actions, I can address them for what they are. Knowing what they are... They're gonna get fixed, by sheer force of will and good (re-built) habits.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some life to attack... =)

peace... GopherDave

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